By Lauren Myracle
Review: This is the worst book I’ve read in 2017, if not in my entire life. Settle down and grab something to eat because I got a lot to say about this “YA book”. I tried not swearing whist typing this but this book angers me too much. Please ignore any grammatical mistakes, but I need to vent.
Let me preface this by justifying why I picked this sorry excuse of a YA book in the first place. I was going through a YA contemporary phase, and picked this up because it seemed like a cute, lighthearted summer read. Little did I know how fucking awful this book was going to be.
Let’s introduce our problematic characters:
-senior in high school
-has no backbone whatsoever
-insecure as fuck
-probably has zero self-confidence
-is a people pleaser to the extreme
-the epitome of a helpless little girl in dire need of a man to rescue her, because apparently women need the help of men to solve all their emotional problems!
-also she’s horny as fuck
-got mad at her boyfriend because he didn’t appreciate the n00ds she sent
-literally gets jealous over the fact that her boyfriend loves his family
-even though she knows it’s the first time he’s had a proper, stable family life because he was in the foster care system before
-pressures her boyfriend to go to Guatemala with her
-because true love is when the other person sacrifices everything they want and desire, give up all their hopes, and follows their significant other to another country
-has no communication skills
-gets mad at boyfriend over things that could be solved if they sat down and had a 15 second conversation
This bitch is weird as fuck, look at the kind of shit she says:
Wren: “Bodies are so funny, aren’t they?”
Charlie: “How so?”
Wren: “Just…are they us? Are we them?”
Wren: “I think souls are real. Maybe they’re not things you can measure or hold or feel-“
Charlie: “You can feel them.”
Wren: “What about trees?”
Wren: “Do they have souls?”
And that’s just grazing the surface.
-also a senior in high school
-is a motherfucking pervert (I can’t even bring myself to post evidence because reading those parts had me mortified but just trust me)
-is also horny as fuck and thinks about boning Wren every three seconds
-you think I’m kidding about that
-but I’m not
-has no idea how to maintain proper, healthy relationships with people because *gaps* he had a tragic childhood blah blah blah no one cares
-slut shames women ( but has no qualms about checking out the asses of said women)….fuck you Charlie 😡
-LITERALLY HAD TO GO ASK WREN’S BEST FRIEND FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH WREN
-THE FUCK YOU DOING CHARLIE
-honestly tho A+ for courage, who tf actually ask’s someone’s best friend on how to do them properly
-keep’s bringing up his ex, Starrla
-even though he’s supposedly over her…………..but ok
-ignores his best friend for his girlfriend
All breasts were not equal.
Y’all…that’s an actual quote from Charlie. Just…I have no words.
-Wren’s best friend
-another senior in high school
-fact: my eyes bled every time Tessa opened her mouth
-has a billion friends
-engages in underage drinking
-allows her boyfriend P.G. Barbee (yes, I’m not shitting you, that’s his actual name) to drive her and Wren home even though he’d consumed alcoholic drinks as well
-your definition of a vapid little bitch
-insignificant tbh, only servers as a sex guru for Wren and Charlie, and is the provider of alcohol
-she could literally be deleted out of this book and there would be no difference
“Okay, I’m so done!” Tessa said, laughing as well. “Wow, I’m kind of an idiot, huh?”
It only took you 222 pages to figure that out, Tess.
-John, and I forget the name of the mother
-the shittiest parents on earth
-no seriously, the worst parents ever to exist
-pressures Wren to go into the medical field
-Wren expressed interest in being a vet, but her asshole dad literally hid Wren’s book (the book she was reading that inspired her to become a vet) and then proceeded to lie about the fact that he hid/threw away the book
-10 / 10 parenting, right?
-throw a hissyfit like a bunch of little shits when Wren tells them she’s not going to Emory University in the fall
-cannot comprehend that PEOPLE TAKE GAP YEARS BETWEEN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.
John, her father, literally has the analytical skills of a limp grass blade. Here’s when Wren’s trying to explain her decision to take a gap year:
“I guess it made me think about things. Like, one woman was a lawyer, but she gave up her job to go help people in developing countries have clean water. Another guy was in an accident and ended up in a coma, and when he came out of it, he could suddenly play the piano, and he became a concert pianist.”
“So your plan is to fall into a coma and wake up a musical prodigy,” her dad said. “Terrific.”
READ BETWEEN THE FUCKING LINES, JOHN. 😡
-has crush on super buff but awkward guy
-but what do you know, super-buff-awkward-guy likes virgin girl back
-virgin girl and super-buff-awkward-guy engage in flirting
-both realize they like each other
-super-buff-awkward-guy immediately wants to bone virgin girl
-virgin girl gets into fight with parents
-goes on a rebellious streak for like 3 days
-super-buff-awkward-guy really wants to bone virgin girl
-virgin girl realizes she wants to bone super-buff-awkward-guy too
-the boning happens
-both get into a fight that could’ve been solved with a 15 second chat
-fight is resolved
-the boning continues
-super-buff-awkward-guy gets into a fight with his ex’s new boyfriend
-the fight lasts all of 2 seconds
-but of course our little virgin girl pisses herself with worry and almost passes out
-even though everything turned out ok and literally nothing came out of the fight
-WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT FIGHT EVEN INCLUDED, IT DID *NOTHING* FOR THE PLOT
-super-buff-awkward-guy decides to forego all his dreams and ambitions and follows virgin girl to Guatemala
-the story culminates in the reader having an aneurysm
-there you go, now you don’t have to read this shit. You’re welcome. And for the record, I’d like to add that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin, despite whatever this book might insinuate!
And finally, the author legitimately thinks that teens talk like this:
“The shop. Gotta finish this one order, though for safety’s sake I’d better take a short break.”
“Safety’s break? Me no understand.”
Also there’s subtle racism in this book. Thank the Lord I didn’t actually buy this book. Honestly, just skip over this book. Not only is there unnecessary explicit material, the plot is shit and the characters are shittier. Three year old kids can write stories better than this.
LOL ALSO, there’s a minor “mystery” where Wren gets hate messages from someone and she assumes its from Starrla, but I don’t think it’s ever actually confimed who the person really was. Nice.
I usually have a ‘favorite quotes’ section in my reviews but this book was shit so that’s not happening today.